What is wrong with those people, who think they have to do any and everything in Excel? It’s bad enough already that there are so many people who sincerely think you can use Excel as a database. Sure, I might as well use a banana as a hammer, but that doesn’t mean it’s a tool fit for the job.

Then there are the mental acrobats, who love Excel so much that they do everything in Excel. Every kind of draft, organisation or list – they’ll do it in Excel. Yes, fantastic idea. An Excel file on a fileserver and everybody wants to save their changes at the same time. That’s how it’s done, folks, in the office, paperless and brainless it appears.

But the biggest laugh I had once when a media production company wanted to setup a contract with the company I was working for and they sent it as, lo and behold, an Excel file. I mean why would anybody want to use Word, or for that matter PowerPoint? Why not presentations in Excel? One tab per slide?

And why even plain text? It already happens more often than not that I get a some three-line message, that could’ve been written directly as an email, but god forbid, that would be too mundane – text is only for the commoners, real pros package their messages in a neat Excel file. The birth of a new literature form: Excel Haikus.

I think we should abolish HTML, XHTML and introduce Excel based browsers. We also don’t need Quark XPress, InDesign and such overpriced software. Forget about PDF: We’ll do it live! And in Excel!

Thusly, let us spread the word, and we shall hit the nail on the head perusing bananas – bent by professionally trained banana benders – let us trust the cat to keep the cream, and put the fox in charge of the henhouse! So that ye liveth on the edge and forefront of technology.

In this brave new world, where the web was yesterday, you need to recognise the big trends early on. Excel is the new standard. For everything. One Volk, one Reich, one Excel!